For the longest time, I’ve always thought that “love” has to be strong, passionate, and fierce – you either love fully, or you do not love at all. So I wanted to love everybody and I give and I give and I loved relentlessly. For a while, it felt really good. I thought I was being selfless, magananimous. But I began to tire, and people started to leave, and thus it began, the whirlwind of emotions: self-doubt, unworthiness, hopelessness. Feelings I pray that nobody will ever have to experience; emotions that I wish never exist.
And then I started to carve out more time for silence, for reflection, for myself. And I actually enjoyed my own company. With the solitude, I could hear Allah. There was no more noise, no more distractions. I had clarity. I started getting to know more about myself. I breathed easy. I learned to be patient, and the best thing was, I forgot how it felt like to be disappointed. Nobody had the opportunity to let me down anymore, simply because I relied solely on Allah, and I depended on myself.
The day I started falling in love with myself, I started to fall in love with Islam. I felt the peacefulness that the Deen brings to my heart, I saw how my body was comforted by prayers, I tasted the sweetness of being in constant remembrance of Allah. For the first time in my life, I knew why my heart is beating, and I knew who my heart is for.
The day I started falling in love with myself, I gave myself a chance. I saved myself, and for that I am my own hero. Never wait for someone else to rescue you, to give you love, to give you purpose, because Allah has blessed us with that special capability ourselves. So find it in you, and use it.
And only after your heart has been immersed with the beauty of Allah’s love, illuminated by His light, and guarded by His Mercy, will you know what love is. And only after you have built a solid foundation in your own little heart to love yourself first, you will then realise how much more love you have that you can give to the people around you.
But start with being your own hero, and being your own lover. For the day we start falling in love with ourselves will be the very day that beautiful, magnificent things will start rolling in into our lives. The day you start falling in love with yourself will be the day you realised that you are worthy and if you know you are worthy, ain’t nobody can do anything to take that away from you.
And with Allah in your heart always, you will be invincible. In Sha Allah.